How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
