she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
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Princesses don't give blow jobs
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
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Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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