You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Randomize
