Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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