So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
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