so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Dear god my vagina.
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