this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
