i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
