I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I just saw a hot homeless man
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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