I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
