3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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