I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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