she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
