i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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