Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
