people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
