Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
