Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
