Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
