i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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