i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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