I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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