I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Randomize
