thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
