Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
