i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
