We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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