I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
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found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
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I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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