tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
