did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
