My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
