Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook