Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now