highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
honey bunches of taint.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.