I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Just pee around me
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
