Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
This baby is an asshole
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
