you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
