no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
