Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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