dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
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