Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
