I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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