I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
