I faked an abortion last night.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
