I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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