twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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