You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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