I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Randomize
