I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
