I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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