Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
