Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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