he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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