He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
