I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
